Tuesday, March 31, 2009
If Only
If it were up to me, I would have a dog
A big, furry dog
One that would sit on the couch with me
One that would go running with me
One that would love me unconditionally
And most importantly
One that would never shed
If it were up to me, there would be no such thing as bills, or grades, or deadlines, or anything that gave me anxiety
Anxiety wouldn’t even exist in Webster’s
I could work for my own enjoyment
I could go to school to deepen my thoughts
I could take my time and enjoy simplicity
If it were up to me, I would bake brownies for the rest of my life
I would move to coast
Or closer to the mountains
I would open up a bakery and create the most decadent desserts known to man
I would be featured on the Food Network, maybe even offered my own show
I would make people so happy
If it were up to me, it would never be too hot or too cold
It would rain at just the right times
And everyone would get to experience “a white Christmas”
If it were up to me, families would stay together
Friends would never forget
And loneliness would never be understood
If only it were up to me…
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Hey it's Blake. I enjoyed your prose poem. The content was well written and you conveyed your point very well. The only problem is that you wrote your blog in an essay form. In the book it mentioned that it should be written in an essay format. Also, you maybe should of used more descriptive words. Overall it was a good blog.
ReplyDeleteI like the simplicity of your poem. The recurring lines, and the rhythm definitely contribute to the overall wistfulness of the idea. What I am left wanting though, as a reader, is the other side of your conflict. Why is it not up to you? Who is preventing you from having the dog, from moving, from doing whatever you like? Is it family pressure, your own reservations, your perception of societal expectations? Some sense of the reason for your wistfulness would contribute to a better understanding of your situation. As it stands, it is certainly relatable, but slightly generic. I like the stanza about the brownies/ food network. That is a personal detail and, thus, adds interest. Another way to give your lines something special and personal would be to use unconventional descriptions. You are not working with plot here, so you have to make use of every single word as a pseudo-adjective. While “dog” “hot” “cold” “coast” etc, give us a basic idea of what you are discussing, a little more specific detail and carefully chosen nouns could really show us what you mean, and give us a sense of the person behind the poem.
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